THE CARD

It's a recurring issue between us.  We just can't agree.  He feels excluded from my life and I can't convince him that it's not intentional.  So we bicker about it and then nothing gets resolved.  It falls to the wayside...until the next time.  Then it gets bigger...and bigger...until we have arrived at an impasse and the next step, i fear, is him not talking to me at all.

Our latest (and greatest) episode in this ongoing battle is about a Christmas card.  "THE CARD" 

THE CARD is innocent enough to an outsider who knows nothing about my family dynamics.  It's a couple of pictures of my dad and Amy.  (Amy is my father's long time significant other - common law wife & what ever other title she and he may give it)  THE CARD also has a couple other pictures of Amy's (and my father's by default) grandchildren.  Here is the catch.  I have three children.  Their images are not on THE CARD and THE CARD was sent to me, my brother, my cousins, my family. 

Now, perhaps it was innocently done.  Or perhaps it was intentionally done.  I don't know, but I certainly could not ignore it.  What mother would? So, I called him out on it and the resulting impasse is because my father, their grandfather, is refusing to acknowledge the slight to HIS grandchildren born from HIS daughter.

See, this is what he did:  When I asked if he knew that the card, in its present state, excluded his grandchildren and if he did know did he think that my husband and I wouldn't be offended - he got defensive and attacked.  Saying - "so that's why the kids came to see me? Maybe I should offend you more often so I will see them and not feel excluded"  He didn't answer my question.

When I explained that I hadn't seen the card until after they left to visit him - and that I can't help him if he feels excluded because it's not intentional.  (I've tried to explain this to him in the past) and I don't just walk into peoples houses, and my children have schedules and they are older and have things they want to do and etc, etc, blah blah blah....  But regardless, we'll sit and talk about it but until then I will not let you dismiss MY children.  and then I posed the original question - stated MUCH differently.  shame on you if you knew and allowed it and shame on you for ignoring how wrong it was.

So here is his major beef with me:

My kids and my family are busy many week nights and most weekends with soccer, hockey, school things, etc..  We have a hard time working in visits for all of us and when i've been able to I've taken some of us.  My older son drives and he will take a sibling or two with him at times.  ITS NOT CONSISTENT but it happens.  HE THINKS that we make more time for my mother in law.  That she spends more time with them, that we are constantly having family dinners with her, but its just not the case. 

HE feels that coming to a game or school event is not adequate time spent.  The truth of the matter is; My mother in law asks about their schedules and will attend a school soccer game for my daughter (even if its an away game) or a track meet when my oldest was still in HS.... or a Hockey game some weeknight for my youngest.  She may not get to speak with them or even my husband and I for more than a few minutes if at all.  She asks about their concerts and if she isn't busy, she'll attend.  She accepts that we are busy, and that she, herself, is busy and makes it happen for even the few minutes.  My father on the other hand - you can hear him rolling his eyes when you mention soccer games, or the High School concert.  So I stopped filling him in on their schedules. 

and that's it.  That is his beef.  He doesn't see us enough and so feels justified in leaving my kids off his Christmas card.  It makes me want to vomit.