and the beat goes on....

Post Christmas my dad and I have reconciled.  It took probably 2 full months; we spoke of many things that were always left unsaid. 

I said things aloud that I have never voiced before; and for my troubles I got a 10 day span of hospital emergency rooms; hospital stays; and all manner of vile bodily functions to clean up after. 

Never let it be said that I do nothing for my mother. 

Yes, my diabetic (insulin dependent) fibromyalgic (can we add that to the English language?) depressed mother was very nearly lost.  I will not say that it was probable, but if I hadn't called my aunt to bitch to her she wouldn't have been prompted to call an ambulance. 

I learned many things about my mom in the last month the least of which is:

1. She has never gotten over the fact that my father left her.
2. She has an incredible lack of self worth.
3. She is a hypocrite of the worst kind.
4. She has Body Dysmorphic Disorder
5. She is completely unwilling to do anything to make herself feel better unless her hand is held.

How did my mother, who has always spouted women's rights, NOW, education, etc, etc. become this person who fell apart when my father decided he was tired of being put down.  Is that my fathers point of view?  Not entirely.  I know my mother talked badly about my father and his ability to provide.  Even though he certainly provided plenty.  I don't remember from the time i was 12 or 13 needing things.  The necessities were always there, and the wants were sometimes there as well.  We lived in 3 houses that got progressively nicer until he decided he had had enough.

He stuck it out until I was married. 

So here i am policing her food intake, her daily activities and her very freedoms.  Is she driving?  where?  when? She can barely see.  I know I need to take the next step and take away her car.

But I am loathe to do that.  She has lost herself completely and taking away her mode of transportation would be devastating, i'm sure.

BUT - isn't that something that she brought on herself?

My brother is useless in this and i'm a broken record as far as complaining to her siblings...  I go on rants now and then to friends and cousins....  If i don't, i know I'll get sick.  Its so unhealthy for me to hold everything in.