"The best map in the world doesn't matter if you don't know where you
are... most of us, when it comes to figuring out where we're headed in
life, never stop to ask the simple question "Where am I?" 1
Without delving deeply into my childhood - which I feel was unremarkable (but that may be food for thought at a later time), let me start out by telling you where i've been.
I grew up in East Setauket, NY; went through school there and finished up at Ward Melville H.S. I think that some people thought I dropped out in my senior year because I was basically not there. I took only the required classes, the ones needed for graduation. I actually graduated with more credits than needed and I left the traditional classrooms of WMHS in January (graduating early) though I still walked with my class in June. I am sure my younger self probably cared if people thought I dropped out but I know I didn't and I know I started my college career at that point.
It didn't take me long to move into a full time office role and relegate school to the part-time position it remained in for most of my adult life. When you are young and making money, who wants to stop that and attend classes all day? My office life began at an electronics supply company in Hauppauge. I worked alongside another, doing something insignificant that I can't even remember now. I flirted with one of the sales guys who I thought was "the bomb" - even though he was married and I had a boyfriend! In addition to my mystery tasks, I was the switchboard lunch coverage person. Yuck. Thus began my pure hatred for all things "RECEPTIONIST." Never since then have I even considered a job that utilized the word receptionist.
I'm going to just list - literally - all of my job positions since that time:
NY Telephone - Directory Assistance Operator - 2 years?
Strathmore Bagels - self explanatory - 2 years (while doing some vocational training)
Perlson Touhy & Company CPAs - Office Admin - 6 years
Stony Brook Family Medicine - Exec. Assistant to the Chairperson - 3 years
Long Island Assoc. for AIDS Care - Events Assistant/Events Manager - 2.5 years
The Knox School - Executive Assistant to Director of Admissions - 10 months
Peconic Bay Medical Center - Human Resources Clerk (temp) - 11 months
Riverhead Charter School - Upper school Office Admin/Nutrition program - 3 yrs 10 mo
Gordon L Seaman, Inc. - Executive & Personal Assistant to owner - 2 years so far
There appears to be steps forward and then steps back into what's comfortable. I am good at "assisting" as much as I dislike the title. It's an easy position for me to rely upon when I don't know what to do. When I look at all of this switching positions and companies I realize it has more to do with dissatisfaction and/or boredom than anything else. I become uncomfortable with what I'm settling for and look at other (apparently similar) positions to spark my interest. I've become very good at taking a multitude of tasks and performing them so efficiently that I can spend time doing varied personal tasks during the work day-like looking for a new job.
I have dream jobs in my head. Why I consider these dream jobs I don't know but a few of them have been a proofreader for a publishing company; a partner in a personal chef business; opening a "hang out" location for kids (like a teen's only soda shoppe) with food & board games, etc. most recently - since i'm so good at assisting - I've thought of using that knowledge (nearly 30 years) and putting myself out there as a virtual personal assistant.
I want to take "Where I've been" and utilize it to understand "Where I am." Then, and only then, can I figure out "Where I am headed" in life.
1. excerpt from Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average and Do Work That Matters by Jon Acuff; ch 1
Friday, September 25, 2015
Friday, September 11, 2015
How to get through this day
Every year I get a feeling of awareness for this day as it approches. I wonder what I can do, how I will commemorate it, what I will wear, how i will feel....
Then it's here. And I dress as I normally do, I don't set out to do anything special to commemorate it; I just think and feel sad.
I think about what I was doing for every minute of that day from the moment Scott and Todd reported that a plane flew into the first tower - when everyone still thought it was a weird accident. Walking into my office building with my supervisor, Jeff Reynolds, and others...Turning on the television to watch the coverage and seeing; SEEING a second plane fly into the other tower!
It was the most surreal moment and we all freaked out. Nothing confirmed yet about hijacked airplanes, that was still an unthinkable option.
Then the reports came in... 2 other planes.... Pentagon......missing plane..... all airtraffic downed. The phone lines all jammed up. Trying to reach my husband in the city, calling my sister in law's office line just 2 blocks over from the trade center. Calling my mother in law. The day care center where my kids were. The cousins who are FDNY.
It was just one long nightmarish day.
So, today is the day. Already at 9a.m. I've shed tears as I read on Facebook everyone's memories. As I watch the Budweiser commercial, and listen to songs, And I think about all of the lives lost not just that day but in the years following:
From the war on terror that is still going on
From the cancers that have been diagnosed from working at ground zero in all of that horrible aftermath
From the lives taken due to despair and distress of living without loved ones, and PTSD
Then I think about how this country of people - who came together so beautifully in the aftermath of that tragic day - has slowly over 14 years erroded into the very kind of people that the terrorists so despise and hoped to turn us into. We fight among ourselves, Adults and children are self centered and grasping. Everything is a joke to be posted on Facebook and Youtube and Instagram. Someone's shame is another person's viral video..and then they are further immortalized by the 6 o'clock news in a 30 second news bit that is played over and over and over.
In 2009 the Black Eyed Peas released a song called "Where is the Love" which, from the first moment, has struck a chord in me. It perfectly addresses everything that is wrong with the world we are living in. Of course by now, 6 years later, the lyrics while still meaningful are inadequate in their suggestion.
We can go on believing today that we are all for one and one for all but if we are realistic; that has not been the case since the first anniversary of 9/11. That is what makes me sad the most.
-Peace
Then it's here. And I dress as I normally do, I don't set out to do anything special to commemorate it; I just think and feel sad.
I think about what I was doing for every minute of that day from the moment Scott and Todd reported that a plane flew into the first tower - when everyone still thought it was a weird accident. Walking into my office building with my supervisor, Jeff Reynolds, and others...Turning on the television to watch the coverage and seeing; SEEING a second plane fly into the other tower!
It was the most surreal moment and we all freaked out. Nothing confirmed yet about hijacked airplanes, that was still an unthinkable option.
Then the reports came in... 2 other planes.... Pentagon......missing plane..... all airtraffic downed. The phone lines all jammed up. Trying to reach my husband in the city, calling my sister in law's office line just 2 blocks over from the trade center. Calling my mother in law. The day care center where my kids were. The cousins who are FDNY.
It was just one long nightmarish day.
So, today is the day. Already at 9a.m. I've shed tears as I read on Facebook everyone's memories. As I watch the Budweiser commercial, and listen to songs, And I think about all of the lives lost not just that day but in the years following:
From the war on terror that is still going on
From the cancers that have been diagnosed from working at ground zero in all of that horrible aftermath
From the lives taken due to despair and distress of living without loved ones, and PTSD
Then I think about how this country of people - who came together so beautifully in the aftermath of that tragic day - has slowly over 14 years erroded into the very kind of people that the terrorists so despise and hoped to turn us into. We fight among ourselves, Adults and children are self centered and grasping. Everything is a joke to be posted on Facebook and Youtube and Instagram. Someone's shame is another person's viral video..and then they are further immortalized by the 6 o'clock news in a 30 second news bit that is played over and over and over.
In 2009 the Black Eyed Peas released a song called "Where is the Love" which, from the first moment, has struck a chord in me. It perfectly addresses everything that is wrong with the world we are living in. Of course by now, 6 years later, the lyrics while still meaningful are inadequate in their suggestion.
We can go on believing today that we are all for one and one for all but if we are realistic; that has not been the case since the first anniversary of 9/11. That is what makes me sad the most.
-Peace
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Making contacts
In the last few months i've been working diligently (or rather more diligently than my usual wont) to make new contacts and firm up the existing ones I have. I've done a few searches on people that I would like to reach out to and i've reconnected with a few others. My LinkedIn profile is evolving - I've joined professional groups - I read lots of stuff from others.
The reason for doing this is to further my efforts to find my purpose. Its not that I believe these people can do something specific for me, maybe they can; it's more my hope that just being in touch with them will open different doors for me. Doors that I had not thought to peek into before.
My friend, Caryn, is finishing her undergrad degree online. That was never something I had considered because I didn't think I had the discipline to do what was needed. I knew other people who were able to go far...aside from just the undergrad. Another friend not only finished her undergrad and became a nurse but then went on to become a Nurse Practitioner. Yes, she is nearly 50 years old but she made a goal for herself and saw it to fruition. THAT to me is finding your purpose.
So Caryn is going through SUNY Empire State - and she encouraged me to look into it as well. I'm terrified of the debt that I already have for college...but I am intrigued by the idea of finishing my degree NOT in Business management because ICK YUCK that is what i am currently embroiled in. Business. and I don't want to be in "business" BUT there are other things like BS in Human Development w/concentration in Psychology or BS in Public Affairs w/concentration in Criminal Justice. SO much more interesting and I'm pretty confident that I have tons of credits that will roll into those degree options. Thank you Caryn and Cheryl for your inspiration to start.
As I start this process, (i've requested my transcripts from SCCC & Adelphi) beginning with an information session on the 19th and hopefully moving on from there, i will blog about it. I'm hopeful that I have the willpower to go through with it. I pray that I will find my purpose while embroiled within it. and I encourage everyone to take a step towards doing something that will make a change for them.
Look for more from me on this.... if anyone is even reading any of this. :)
Stay tuned.
The reason for doing this is to further my efforts to find my purpose. Its not that I believe these people can do something specific for me, maybe they can; it's more my hope that just being in touch with them will open different doors for me. Doors that I had not thought to peek into before.
My friend, Caryn, is finishing her undergrad degree online. That was never something I had considered because I didn't think I had the discipline to do what was needed. I knew other people who were able to go far...aside from just the undergrad. Another friend not only finished her undergrad and became a nurse but then went on to become a Nurse Practitioner. Yes, she is nearly 50 years old but she made a goal for herself and saw it to fruition. THAT to me is finding your purpose.
So Caryn is going through SUNY Empire State - and she encouraged me to look into it as well. I'm terrified of the debt that I already have for college...but I am intrigued by the idea of finishing my degree NOT in Business management because ICK YUCK that is what i am currently embroiled in. Business. and I don't want to be in "business" BUT there are other things like BS in Human Development w/concentration in Psychology or BS in Public Affairs w/concentration in Criminal Justice. SO much more interesting and I'm pretty confident that I have tons of credits that will roll into those degree options. Thank you Caryn and Cheryl for your inspiration to start.
As I start this process, (i've requested my transcripts from SCCC & Adelphi) beginning with an information session on the 19th and hopefully moving on from there, i will blog about it. I'm hopeful that I have the willpower to go through with it. I pray that I will find my purpose while embroiled within it. and I encourage everyone to take a step towards doing something that will make a change for them.
Look for more from me on this.... if anyone is even reading any of this. :)
Stay tuned.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Searching for my purpose......
Truly this blog title should be changed. Or perhaps since that was then and this is now I should have a new blog...a sister blog if you will... to my current postings.
My purpose.
I've been thinking about this more often in recent months; since my mother's March madness occurred.
I've taken to referring to this year as "the year of the emergency room visit." I can tell you which hospital ER I visited each month and for precisely how long the subsequent stay was (or wasn't). Mind you, its only July.
But, whatever, it's become a joke among my friends and co-workers. Even my boss has had a chuckle over the seriously crazy amount of visits - after the concern of course.
My Purpose.
How sad that I can't even put an answer to that question "What is my purpose?" I'm sure i'm not the only one. In my head I have ideas. In my heart I have desire. In my gut I have a sickening, twisting sensation that is either nerves or excitement because of those IDEAS and DESIRE. My purpose.
I am a 46 year old female (soon to be 47). I'm married 21 years with 3 kids who are on their way to self sufficiency. I like to read, I like history, I like the arts. I'm athletically built, I play soccer. I run, I work out, eat well, sleep maybe too little, drink occasionally, and I like to have meaningful conversations with people. I hate gossip. I'm loyal, diplomatic, levelheaded, practical, logical. I enjoy learning new things. I don't have a degree though I'm damn close to it. I don't exactly have a desire to finish that degree because
a. I have crazy student loan debt - for nothing
b. I don't know that I want to put myself through that rigor
c. I don't WANT the Business Admin. - Marketing degree that i'm close to earning. I really have no friggin' DESIRE to achieve that piece of paper so I can be tied to some firm doing something that I have no love for. I know....I don't have to take a position in marketing just because I have the degree. It would be an achievement to have it...
When I started that pursuit I was working in Events and Fundraising. There was a desire for the marketing aspect. I was in my 30's and I saw myself doing that for a good number of years. However, life gets in the way. A third child, a new house, a new job or two and suddenly working for someone for years, doing something I don't care about has become ...uninspiring.
So My Purpose... just to clarify I'm not going to go too deep here, i'm looking at the verb Purpose. You can check out the full definition on your own but for myself, i'm looking for what my objectives in my life are. What is my plan? What are my intentions for myself, my family?
I'm pondering this nearly daily as I sit here at work with nothing pressing to do and no desire to do it. I know I need to build a plan for my IDEAS, I need to outline my OBJECTIVES, Figure out my INTENTIONS. But first I need someone to help me figure out me. Or have I done that already with that litany above.
Let me think about that.
My purpose.
I've been thinking about this more often in recent months; since my mother's March madness occurred.
I've taken to referring to this year as "the year of the emergency room visit." I can tell you which hospital ER I visited each month and for precisely how long the subsequent stay was (or wasn't). Mind you, its only July.
But, whatever, it's become a joke among my friends and co-workers. Even my boss has had a chuckle over the seriously crazy amount of visits - after the concern of course.
My Purpose.
How sad that I can't even put an answer to that question "What is my purpose?" I'm sure i'm not the only one. In my head I have ideas. In my heart I have desire. In my gut I have a sickening, twisting sensation that is either nerves or excitement because of those IDEAS and DESIRE. My purpose.
I am a 46 year old female (soon to be 47). I'm married 21 years with 3 kids who are on their way to self sufficiency. I like to read, I like history, I like the arts. I'm athletically built, I play soccer. I run, I work out, eat well, sleep maybe too little, drink occasionally, and I like to have meaningful conversations with people. I hate gossip. I'm loyal, diplomatic, levelheaded, practical, logical. I enjoy learning new things. I don't have a degree though I'm damn close to it. I don't exactly have a desire to finish that degree because
a. I have crazy student loan debt - for nothing
b. I don't know that I want to put myself through that rigor
c. I don't WANT the Business Admin. - Marketing degree that i'm close to earning. I really have no friggin' DESIRE to achieve that piece of paper so I can be tied to some firm doing something that I have no love for. I know....I don't have to take a position in marketing just because I have the degree. It would be an achievement to have it...
When I started that pursuit I was working in Events and Fundraising. There was a desire for the marketing aspect. I was in my 30's and I saw myself doing that for a good number of years. However, life gets in the way. A third child, a new house, a new job or two and suddenly working for someone for years, doing something I don't care about has become ...uninspiring.
So My Purpose... just to clarify I'm not going to go too deep here, i'm looking at the verb Purpose. You can check out the full definition on your own but for myself, i'm looking for what my objectives in my life are. What is my plan? What are my intentions for myself, my family?
I'm pondering this nearly daily as I sit here at work with nothing pressing to do and no desire to do it. I know I need to build a plan for my IDEAS, I need to outline my OBJECTIVES, Figure out my INTENTIONS. But first I need someone to help me figure out me. Or have I done that already with that litany above.
Let me think about that.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
and the beat goes on....
Post Christmas my dad and I have reconciled. It took probably 2 full months; we spoke of many things that were always left unsaid.
I said things aloud that I have never voiced before; and for my troubles I got a 10 day span of hospital emergency rooms; hospital stays; and all manner of vile bodily functions to clean up after.
Never let it be said that I do nothing for my mother.
Yes, my diabetic (insulin dependent) fibromyalgic (can we add that to the English language?) depressed mother was very nearly lost. I will not say that it was probable, but if I hadn't called my aunt to bitch to her she wouldn't have been prompted to call an ambulance.
I learned many things about my mom in the last month the least of which is:
1. She has never gotten over the fact that my father left her.
2. She has an incredible lack of self worth.
3. She is a hypocrite of the worst kind.
4. She has Body Dysmorphic Disorder
5. She is completely unwilling to do anything to make herself feel better unless her hand is held.
How did my mother, who has always spouted women's rights, NOW, education, etc, etc. become this person who fell apart when my father decided he was tired of being put down. Is that my fathers point of view? Not entirely. I know my mother talked badly about my father and his ability to provide. Even though he certainly provided plenty. I don't remember from the time i was 12 or 13 needing things. The necessities were always there, and the wants were sometimes there as well. We lived in 3 houses that got progressively nicer until he decided he had had enough.
He stuck it out until I was married.
So here i am policing her food intake, her daily activities and her very freedoms. Is she driving? where? when? She can barely see. I know I need to take the next step and take away her car.
But I am loathe to do that. She has lost herself completely and taking away her mode of transportation would be devastating, i'm sure.
BUT - isn't that something that she brought on herself?
My brother is useless in this and i'm a broken record as far as complaining to her siblings... I go on rants now and then to friends and cousins.... If i don't, i know I'll get sick. Its so unhealthy for me to hold everything in.
I said things aloud that I have never voiced before; and for my troubles I got a 10 day span of hospital emergency rooms; hospital stays; and all manner of vile bodily functions to clean up after.
Never let it be said that I do nothing for my mother.
Yes, my diabetic (insulin dependent) fibromyalgic (can we add that to the English language?) depressed mother was very nearly lost. I will not say that it was probable, but if I hadn't called my aunt to bitch to her she wouldn't have been prompted to call an ambulance.
I learned many things about my mom in the last month the least of which is:
1. She has never gotten over the fact that my father left her.
2. She has an incredible lack of self worth.
3. She is a hypocrite of the worst kind.
4. She has Body Dysmorphic Disorder
5. She is completely unwilling to do anything to make herself feel better unless her hand is held.
How did my mother, who has always spouted women's rights, NOW, education, etc, etc. become this person who fell apart when my father decided he was tired of being put down. Is that my fathers point of view? Not entirely. I know my mother talked badly about my father and his ability to provide. Even though he certainly provided plenty. I don't remember from the time i was 12 or 13 needing things. The necessities were always there, and the wants were sometimes there as well. We lived in 3 houses that got progressively nicer until he decided he had had enough.
He stuck it out until I was married.
So here i am policing her food intake, her daily activities and her very freedoms. Is she driving? where? when? She can barely see. I know I need to take the next step and take away her car.
But I am loathe to do that. She has lost herself completely and taking away her mode of transportation would be devastating, i'm sure.
BUT - isn't that something that she brought on herself?
My brother is useless in this and i'm a broken record as far as complaining to her siblings... I go on rants now and then to friends and cousins.... If i don't, i know I'll get sick. Its so unhealthy for me to hold everything in.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
THE CARD
It's a recurring issue between us. We just can't agree. He feels excluded from my life and I can't convince him that it's not intentional. So we bicker about it and then nothing gets resolved. It falls to the wayside...until the next time. Then it gets bigger...and bigger...until we have arrived at an impasse and the next step, i fear, is him not talking to me at all.
Our latest (and greatest) episode in this ongoing battle is about a Christmas card. "THE CARD"
THE CARD is innocent enough to an outsider who knows nothing about my family dynamics. It's a couple of pictures of my dad and Amy. (Amy is my father's long time significant other - common law wife & what ever other title she and he may give it) THE CARD also has a couple other pictures of Amy's (and my father's by default) grandchildren. Here is the catch. I have three children. Their images are not on THE CARD and THE CARD was sent to me, my brother, my cousins, my family.
Now, perhaps it was innocently done. Or perhaps it was intentionally done. I don't know, but I certainly could not ignore it. What mother would? So, I called him out on it and the resulting impasse is because my father, their grandfather, is refusing to acknowledge the slight to HIS grandchildren born from HIS daughter.
See, this is what he did: When I asked if he knew that the card, in its present state, excluded his grandchildren and if he did know did he think that my husband and I wouldn't be offended - he got defensive and attacked. Saying - "so that's why the kids came to see me? Maybe I should offend you more often so I will see them and not feel excluded" He didn't answer my question.
When I explained that I hadn't seen the card until after they left to visit him - and that I can't help him if he feels excluded because it's not intentional. (I've tried to explain this to him in the past) and I don't just walk into peoples houses, and my children have schedules and they are older and have things they want to do and etc, etc, blah blah blah.... But regardless, we'll sit and talk about it but until then I will not let you dismiss MY children. and then I posed the original question - stated MUCH differently. shame on you if you knew and allowed it and shame on you for ignoring how wrong it was.
So here is his major beef with me:
My kids and my family are busy many week nights and most weekends with soccer, hockey, school things, etc.. We have a hard time working in visits for all of us and when i've been able to I've taken some of us. My older son drives and he will take a sibling or two with him at times. ITS NOT CONSISTENT but it happens. HE THINKS that we make more time for my mother in law. That she spends more time with them, that we are constantly having family dinners with her, but its just not the case.
HE feels that coming to a game or school event is not adequate time spent. The truth of the matter is; My mother in law asks about their schedules and will attend a school soccer game for my daughter (even if its an away game) or a track meet when my oldest was still in HS.... or a Hockey game some weeknight for my youngest. She may not get to speak with them or even my husband and I for more than a few minutes if at all. She asks about their concerts and if she isn't busy, she'll attend. She accepts that we are busy, and that she, herself, is busy and makes it happen for even the few minutes. My father on the other hand - you can hear him rolling his eyes when you mention soccer games, or the High School concert. So I stopped filling him in on their schedules.
and that's it. That is his beef. He doesn't see us enough and so feels justified in leaving my kids off his Christmas card. It makes me want to vomit.
Our latest (and greatest) episode in this ongoing battle is about a Christmas card. "THE CARD"
THE CARD is innocent enough to an outsider who knows nothing about my family dynamics. It's a couple of pictures of my dad and Amy. (Amy is my father's long time significant other - common law wife & what ever other title she and he may give it) THE CARD also has a couple other pictures of Amy's (and my father's by default) grandchildren. Here is the catch. I have three children. Their images are not on THE CARD and THE CARD was sent to me, my brother, my cousins, my family.
Now, perhaps it was innocently done. Or perhaps it was intentionally done. I don't know, but I certainly could not ignore it. What mother would? So, I called him out on it and the resulting impasse is because my father, their grandfather, is refusing to acknowledge the slight to HIS grandchildren born from HIS daughter.
See, this is what he did: When I asked if he knew that the card, in its present state, excluded his grandchildren and if he did know did he think that my husband and I wouldn't be offended - he got defensive and attacked. Saying - "so that's why the kids came to see me? Maybe I should offend you more often so I will see them and not feel excluded" He didn't answer my question.
When I explained that I hadn't seen the card until after they left to visit him - and that I can't help him if he feels excluded because it's not intentional. (I've tried to explain this to him in the past) and I don't just walk into peoples houses, and my children have schedules and they are older and have things they want to do and etc, etc, blah blah blah.... But regardless, we'll sit and talk about it but until then I will not let you dismiss MY children. and then I posed the original question - stated MUCH differently. shame on you if you knew and allowed it and shame on you for ignoring how wrong it was.
So here is his major beef with me:
My kids and my family are busy many week nights and most weekends with soccer, hockey, school things, etc.. We have a hard time working in visits for all of us and when i've been able to I've taken some of us. My older son drives and he will take a sibling or two with him at times. ITS NOT CONSISTENT but it happens. HE THINKS that we make more time for my mother in law. That she spends more time with them, that we are constantly having family dinners with her, but its just not the case.
HE feels that coming to a game or school event is not adequate time spent. The truth of the matter is; My mother in law asks about their schedules and will attend a school soccer game for my daughter (even if its an away game) or a track meet when my oldest was still in HS.... or a Hockey game some weeknight for my youngest. She may not get to speak with them or even my husband and I for more than a few minutes if at all. She asks about their concerts and if she isn't busy, she'll attend. She accepts that we are busy, and that she, herself, is busy and makes it happen for even the few minutes. My father on the other hand - you can hear him rolling his eyes when you mention soccer games, or the High School concert. So I stopped filling him in on their schedules.
and that's it. That is his beef. He doesn't see us enough and so feels justified in leaving my kids off his Christmas card. It makes me want to vomit.
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